As footballers return to day jobs, who will feed the nation's children?

Naturally, then, after several months of daily news briefings from gaffers who have led a whole nation to relegation and heartbreak, The Fiver is actually looking forward to next week’s resumption of honest-to-goodness post-match press conferences with Premier Leaguemanagers. Still, tricky questions remain about the imminent return of the Premier League, such as: with footballers getting back to their day jobs, who will feed the nation’s children? And after Jordan Henderson helped buy essential hospital gear for nurses in recent months, should we expect some shambling suitfrom the Ministry of Health to send in a few useful corner kicks as Liverpool resume their quest for the title? And does hoping a misgoverned population forget about the pain in theirlivesbecause Norwich are fighting for survival amount to a form of sportswashing? In Bergamo, where thousands of lives were lost to Covid-19, a group ofultrashung a banner outside Atalanta’s stadium reading: “Disgusted by an absurd decision. Thinking I should probably quit while I’m ahead, I was invited in the nextparagraph to recall the simple potty-mouth pleasure of Rude Kid from Viz only for you to provide a no-less-than-perfect dismount with an on-point Manic Miner reference. I accept that parts of it may not lend themselves entirely to a football match, but a last-minute winner scored to the sounds of the final chords would be quite something. Liverpool and Manchester City fan groups have asked to be given input on the Premier League match, given that it’s the only one without a confirmed venue and is only a matter of weeks away. And Australian referee Jarred Gillett is set to become the Premier League’s first flamin’ foreign official after impressing with the whistle in the Championship.